I am not very good at being an adult. For the most part, it seems my diminutive stature precludes anyone from taking me seriously, and rather attracts derision, scorn, and highly demonstrative sessions of people telling me what I need to do, when, and why. People don’t so much comment or advise as much as they decide for me and rule over me, as though I am a small child, or seem to need my arms firmly grasped as they drag me in the correct direction.
On a long drive, Will pointed out that I only ever dream about paranormal things trying to harm me, or control me or my loved ones, and mostly, I have to agree that is the case. Even the way I fly is dependent upon perfect circumstances, and my lofty aspirations are tenuous and without longevity. It didn’t occur to me how related that is to my childish feelings of constantly being strong-armed into things out of my comfort zone or that I just don’t care about, until just that moment. I guess it often takes other points of view for us to see ourselves properly, which is why I hold Tarot cards in great esteem.
Having a child-like, overly imaginative mind can often lead to irrational and reckless thoughts and actions, but as in the case of my dreams, it mostly allows others to feel that they can or must exert control over that which appears to be in need of control, or possibly all of these people are sociopathic (which is much more likely…it is, after all, an inherited trait, no?)
Perhaps it is due to my view of humanity through the way I have been treated by others, or perhaps something else. Either way, I am acutely aware of the fact that my lens is tinted toward viewing the supernatural in everything. I want it to be that easy an answer when atrocities are committed, and not a complex mental cocktail of the nature/nurture variety. What I have noticed recently is how I am coloring my children’s views of the world, and not just with being irrationally inclined, but by seeing me as someone who is powerless, or at the very least, malleable and easily dissuaded/persuaded. Judging from their actions when around others, I am keenly aware that mine is not the last word.
For the last few months, Liam has been asking us, “who’s that man in the light?” How could one not be a bit freaked out by that? Especially a parent. What do you say in response? I don’t want to make him think there is something there in the event that there is not, but I also don’t want him to think that we think he is crazy, or make him deny something that he obviously sees…whatever that might be. So, as my child stares at the ceiling fixture, and asks me what that man is, or what’s his name, or what he’s doing, I try to think of an appropriate response.
The best that I could do was take him seriously, which scared me fairly well. I got into his bed, lay down, stared at the light, and tried my best to see something (which he did not want me pointing at or speaking to…which jarred me further), I asked him what the man looks like, and he said, “he sa mean, scaywe man–I don’t like him.” I started to tell Liam that if the man bothered him I would yell at him and tell him to go away, and he would have to obey me–because I rank higher, as mom. Still staring at the light, Liam did not like that idea, and voiced that opinion in a rather alarming sincerity for a toddler. I looked as hard as I could at the light, trying to figure out what it could possibly be that he was seeing, and settled on it being the reflection of a night-light. So, I covered the light up, and asked Liam if the man went away. He didn’t say, or I didn’t hear…so, I asked again, and Liam said, “yes,” though, not with very convincing authority.
“It’s just the reflection of the night-light!” I assured him. Finn followed suit, with, “It’s just erection of light, Niam.” Finn and I did our best to convince Liam, but as of tonight, I think he remains frightened and I can only feel that it is my fault for not being a figure of authority in his world. I cannot make even an erection in the light go away. So, how safe must the little guy feel?
I have a plan for asserting some control, but I need to ask the cards first…
Pathic Pru
